062210

We are done and I don't feel like myself anymore. Not only because we are done but it was 4 years and I've changed and I think he did too and I wouldn't put up with the stuff I used to think I could have for the rest of my life. Nevertheless. He was the one to finally break it off. Saying things to hurt me intentionally to make me go but that he still loved me and why do I still believe that shit? And I can't make it better this time no matter how many self help books I read or yoga classes or minutes on the elliptical machine or calories burned or just sitting quietly with incense and fountain and maxwell's suite theme or pandora's spa radio. The lake doesn't help like it used to I can't leave my problems emotions hurt anger there it just clings to me leaving a dull ache in everything I do. Unsettled. I haven't cried near as much this time as I used to I think he broke us a year ago when he told me about her so I never should have kept trying but I'm a leo fiercely loyal and that's what we do. Sometimes its good. So cliche but my heart feels like it was ripped out of my body along with the ability to experience interest in anything I used to. I can't get to the happy place he used to provide. They don't come as often but they do still come the reminders that we won't ever share anything ever again are relentless and it. Just. Fucking. Sucks. How could you throw this away I ask him over and over in my mind and I ask myself how could you let this happen to you? You used to be strong independent passionate optimistic so glass half full. And now its just too hard to get out of bed no inspiration motivation's gone and I just wonder what will ever? Make it better. Because those things that used to provide solace don't. Anymore. When they ask me about us or him I try to be as brief and positive as possible when I say its over for good this time and there's sympathy in their voice when they say you'll find someone and I think I don't want to or maybe its I don't think I will. But I smile politely and nod my head like I'm supposed to and they eventually walk away or we hang up and the smile just quietly disappears and I'm left alone. Again. Not lonely but alone and there is a difference. But I man up anyway and go through lifes motions to make the paycheck(s) that pay the car note on the car that allows me to go to the job(s) that allow me to pay the car note. And I do it all. Alone. I think I'm almost done. With this chapter. Or. Maybe I need a new book a whole new fucking volume. Either way. Next.