Death by Football.

I think football might kill me.

Mind you, it's really not that I hate the game itself. What it is, is that the man with whom I am ridiculously, completely sprung used to play. No, I never got to actually watch him. I only have this picture....oh. This one picture. A professional, full-on action shot of him carrying the ball down the field. *Not the one pictured above.

Football was also our first real date. On Saturday, October 8, 2005, he took me to a college game (his alma mater vs. my hometown). It was, hands down, the best weekend I have ever had. Now, flipping through the channels and accidently landing on SportsCenter sends me into an emotional meltdown. And Jesus, don't let the sportscaster guy mention the team he used to play for. Memories of the team's mascott tattooed on his (nicely toned) arm makes me want to stay glued to the couch watching reruns of Sex in the City and never, ever come out of the house.

Safeway delivers, right?

Don't get me wrong, it was never about that with him. It was the way we instantly clicked, like, we were just so perfect together I swear it was meant to be. We used to talk about everything, and of course that was and still is a significant part of his life, so we talked about it often. But it was never about that. He could've been a garbage collector and I'd feel the same way.

And now, I feel like I might die from us not working out and me having not talked to him for weeks. We always said that we would stay close but it didn't work out that way (I guess it never does). And everything reminds me of him.

I know everyone has been through this before. I know this because 'everyone' has told me this. But none of the 50 million stories I've heard from my girls or my boys or random compassionate strangers are anywhere close to being remotely comforting. I love them for trying, though.

I don't know what to do. I have never been in this situation before. Usually, when the bs starts I quickly bow out, and its more than easy to find another who can at least keep me entertained for a minute. Does that sound shitty? Well, I really don't give a furry rat's ass. Guys do that shit all the time. Yet, regardless of my efforts, I absolutely cannot make that work in this situation.

He pretty much maintains that it's my fault that we are not together. But, if you knew the whole story you would disagree - I promise. I'm not getting into it here.

But I promise.

It was just so destructive. I knew it from like the first 30 seconds. But I just. Couldn't. Stop it from happening.

I even wrote a poem about it. I might let you read it later.

What do you do when you feel like you'll never connect the same way with anyone, ever ever again? This heartbreak shit is for the birds. How come I can't just shake it off like Mariah Carey? Seriously, even buying the coveted-for-months Gucci sunglasses (on sale) is not going to help. *Trust me, I've purchased more than a few I-fucking-miss-him articles. Of course, I'm getting them anyway.

What? I need to look hot when I go back home in January. You would do the same thing.

I suppose I'm just sort of getting it off my chest a little tonight. I guess it's really not football that I hate...it's everything that reminds me of him. Especially that "Girl Tonight" song. Jesus God, what is it with music? There are like a million songs I can't even listen to anymore. Or scents. Angel for men makes me want to bawl.

Love is some straight bullshit.